Meghan Markle’s ‘ghastly’, almond milk is common — Nicky Haslam’s tea towel must be back

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That time of year again: when Queen Bee of British snobbery re-emerges with a devastating list of “the latest things Nicky Haslam finds common”, all of which come helpfully printed on a tea towel. I’ve never understood why the design and fonts of said cloths are quite so terrible, but one must assume it’s tongue-in-cheek.

Nevertheless, this year’s has been good enough to bag him a sponsor, Selfridges, where you can now find a common tea towel pop-up, and tuck into 2024’s no-nos (as well as the previous five, for collectors).

Nicky Haslam's 2024 list (Nicky Haslam) — Nicky Haslam’s 2024 list (Nicky Haslam)

The interior designer, who has worked on properties owned by King Charles and Queen Camilla (no, not the NHS ambulance warehouse), has once again not disappointed in a silver-spooned attack.

Heading up the list are some personal favourites: destination weddings, bamboo, almond milk and rescue dogs. All very amusing. Then comes succulents — horrible things — Primrose Hill, ordering a first course with lunch, festoon lighting and Antony Gormley sculptures. I must say, having walked Houghton Hall’s Gormley exhibition this summer, where the artist famous for his Angel of the North sculpture had dotted 100 nude body sculptures around the grounds, I’ve seen enough for a lifetime, too.

Haslam put it well in an interview over the weekend: “I can’t bear Antony Gormley. I didn’t like him as a man, but I loathe his sculptures… to cast your own rather hideous body and litter it all around the country … I met him years ago, before he was famous.”

One of Antony Gormley’s self-sculptures which Haslam “loathes”, on view at Houghton Hall this summer (Houghton Hall)

Meghan Markle also took a back-handed compliment during his Sunday papers tea-towel press circuit. Haslam told The Sunday Times “I know she’s ghastly but she’s got guts… Who’d want to live in a damn cottage in Frogmore and open boring things and have to be part of that ghastly family, all of whom hate each other? Much more fun to be with movie stars and tycoons in California and flying about. Much nicer life, and she’s given it to Harry.”

The commandments have become a yearly feature in the build up to Christmas, ever since their debut in 2018. They began after Halsam penned a list of his peeves for this newspaper, and explained to the New York Times in 2020: “I wrote in The Standard once a week about things that were irritating me, and, blow me down, last Christmas on Instagram there they were as a tea towel. Someone had printed them up, and they were selling like hot cakes.”